ANGSTROM @ DIARYLAND . COM
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
why? !
lots of cutbacks are into effect.. hopefully this will allow me to breathe a little easier. ... my daughter had her 8th grade dance last Friday. she looked amazing and brought back some memories of my 8th grade dance. ... work is OK and my boss is freaking me out with compliments. ... my brother who doesnt fall in love HAS fallen, hard. i wouldnt doubt that he'd be the next one to get married. he is already making plans to adopt the girl's 9 mth old son. yes, this means that all eyes are on me, now with a burning glare and a strong, garlic-type hint of disappointment. my grams even thought i was pregnant.. crazy lady, wishful thinking on her part. ... Thomas called me for Mother's Day and i missed the call, bad reception in Austin (well, my mom's apartment anyways). the thought was sweet. but he is still planning on going to Korea. yes, Korea. farther than me now for sure. its not definate, but its not a definate "no" either. this makes me very sad. i need to accept that there will be nothing for us. i have to accept that i am not what he wants. he feels for me, but cant.. wont do anything about it. this is all too familiar. i wrote him a letter today.. i havent said i loved him since New Year's. i wonder how he will take it this time. what i honestly think is that he may be frightened by my illness. who wants to fall in love with someone like me? i was kidding myself i think. my heart never forgets, it just moves on.. with so much work. his brother is so very nice to me. he is very affectionate.. and Jess even joked with me saying i am with the wrong brother. o, that child. i am so tired.. tired of crying first thing in the morning, at random times during the day, and every night. my eyes burn. there is just so much going on that i feel like my head is going to explode. i quit asking God for 4 more years.. every day is a battle and i dont want to go on anymore medications. i have gained 10 pounds. 10 disgusting pounds. i have been stuffing myself to feel.. something.. to feel pain. does that make sense? id like to do something else, but thats too obvious. maybe when i wake up tomorrow it wont hurt so bad.
11:43 pm - 2007-05-15
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
...
|