ANGSTROM @ DIARYLAND . COM
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i had this burn on my elbow, see
i cant sleep again. i dont know whats wrong with me. yes, tnere are a myriad of things running through my mind but thats never taken away this much sleep before. and im still fucking crying like all the time. my moms here from outta town for the weekend and its great seeing her, but dodging her "mom"-ness is rather HARD work let me tell you. just a few hours ago before she went to bed she says to me "have you been crying or does your face look like that cos you've slept?" - i had taken a small nap earlier. i said "a little of both" and she kinda dropped the subject. cos talking about it just makes me cry that much harder and im tired of leaking dammit! so Jessica has a play she needs to be at school by 7am.. and then i will accompany my mom on some errands, then we are expected at grams for lunch and then ive been invited to Mr. Chino's birthday bash. im SO looking forward to that cos Mr. Chino, well lets say that he is a most unique individual. i hope to escape the life of me and enjoy/forget some. i cant GnR off my winamp. they still kick ass. i watched Premonition just now with Sandra Bullock. good movie, didnt make me cry which is a plus. told my mom about what my lovely brother shared with me the last time he was here. he said regarding my financial situation.. "i just dont know sister.. you never got married and you dont have a boyfriend and i cant support you." mind you.. i didnt ask for support.. but made me feel like shit nonetheless. im grateful that i dont need him right now cos i'd be fucked. the other brother is even worse. really, i guess my mom would take care of me. maybe. i hope that it never gets to that point. i hate it that Thomas gets to "get" me at this stage in my life, cos really there was so much more (of me) to offer years ago. no wonder he is hesitant. no wonder all the men in my life have been hesitant... really i am a big ball of ??? and just not worth the plunge. but i really do miss him.. and im so very glad that he said it first. i miss how he wouldnt let me turn over "mad", and how he held me until he fell asleep. i have purposely not called him... because, well i guess because its my way of pre-sabotaging things. thats a gift i give to myself all the time. and i know it, and i cant complain but i do and will. cos i can. i wish that things were just a tad bit simpler.
3:14 am - 2007-04-28
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