ANGSTROM @ DIARYLAND . COM

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what i am

i found the perfect word for me..

unlovable - adjective: incapable of inspiring love or affection

yeah. don't get me wrong, i inspire the L word all the time.. LUST, which can sometimes feel like "love" but it's no cigar, not close at all.

Christmas was great. well, started out so. then everyone split and did their own thing, even my daughter with her new boyfriend. so i tried to sleep the rest of it away. i asked Jessica how she interpreted this:

"well, i wasn't freaking out when you said you had love for me. it's hard for me to express myself in that way though. i can tell that you are an affectionate person. i used to be like that but no more. so i don't know what to say about that." - she said it sounded like rejection without trying to hurt my feelings. then when she guessed who it was, she kinda changed her tune a little, saying she did not know the whole story. then i decided to tell him when she said to that comment and he agreed that she did NOT know the whole story.. so that's where i am at. i think he loves me, but that's not enough. the last time i was completely honest with someone he could not handle it. but i know that it is the best policy.. no matter the cost. even to my ever-always breaking heart.

so "rejected" again. i have started to wonder when it will end. when we will no longer talk.. or keep in touch. isn't that always how my story ends?

12:40 am - 2006-12-26

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